Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Getting to Why I Started This


    So when I started this blog, I had intended to use it to help me get to living, instead of constantly running around just trying to keep up with life. But I have not wanted to see and deal with why I am constantly running. I have been suffering from depression since I was 8 and still do.  I have been so resistant to accepting this because I have felt this way for so long that it just seems normal, like it's just me. That, I have learned, is called dysthymia; one who suffers from chronic low levels of depression for so long that they think it is actually an aspect of their personality.

      But the issue has been and still continues to be a difficult aspect of this. I have acted this way for almost as long as I can remember and  now, I get very angry and defensive about aspects of depression that I think are "just me," such as liking to sleep a lot.

     It is hard for me to see myself as chronically depressed because I have a full time job where I am fairly successful and am a leader. Each day, I accomplish many things. In other words, I don't sit around all day unable to function, which is how I have always viewed depressed people.

      Yet if I look at a list of signs of depression, I exhibit all of them to some degree or another.  My husband has let me know our whole relationship that there has always been something below the surface, an unhappiness and unwillingness to want to go out and experience new things.

   Honestly, I am terrified of this diagnosis. I do not like the term "mental illness" and would rather run away from it all. But I am going to loose everything soon if I don't deal with it.

Friday, April 11, 2014

My Sporadic Habits

Well I think that if you come to my blog to read what is going on, you might notice that I am very sporadic in my posting and a little bit manic, too. Sometimes I have posted many things in a row and then other times, I post nothing. Aaaahhh the story of my life. I really lack a passion for living and the things I choose to do in my life. Yes, I do stuff like paint, sew, garden, read, etc, but none with a passion. I do not even treat my relationship with my husband with passion. I mean I do love him, but I am not really obviously passionate towards him. I love to paint but ask when I painted last and I could not tell you. It seems as though I am really trying to get through each day best I can but without any real attention to long term goals or plans. Once again, this way of living is showing it is a threat to my marriage.

Do you look around sometimes and think, "What the hell happened here? How is it I find myself with this life?"  Yeah well once again, here I am, not being able/willing to see the reality that is my life.  I find it weird that I am an intelligent person with a good career but acting in ways that are counter productive to what I think are my end goals, i.e. happily married, and personally fulfilled by successfully obtaining my own needs.

This internal angst has plagued me since 8 and yet I am unwilling to free myself from it. Oh, I will do it damn it!!! I have not come this far to fail at my life. Fuck that!!! (Pardon the f-bomb)

Hope you all are doing well out there. Remember, you have to meet your needs before you can even think of meeting anyone else's. (No, I have not succeeded in this yet, but it is good advice given to me by someone I love and trust. )