Friday, June 27, 2014

Seeing The Tendrils of Depression

I have seen over the past few years that depression has a sneaky way of being all over the place and hard to detect just exactly where it will show up next. Its like depression is an octopus with a million legs that just worm their way out of or into so many unexpected parts of my life.  It really has been one of the biggest challenges of rising above the cloud of depression because I never know when the next moment of depression will arise.

This morning William and I were having breakfast, and I was talking about going out to lunch today with a friend of mine. She asked me to meet her at her house and so I assumed that she wanted us to drive to lunch together. All I have been thinking about since she said suggested and I agreed to meeting her at her house is how I can logically get out of driving together to lunch. Weird, huh? I mean I want to hang out with her and has some time to chat, but I just didn't want to drive together. Of course, I came up with the fact that I need to do errands after lunch. As I am talking with William this morning, I realized, "Oh there is depression again."  I have learned through years of being depressed that driving in a car with someone requires talking and allows for no escapes if something gets uncomfortable. Depression in my life has made this kind of thinking okay. This is not who I really am inside; I like talking with people, and it is only my depression that creeps in and makes me think I can't or don't want to be in this situation.

I am not my depression but man, it can be hard sometimes to see the difference, especially because I have lived with depression for so long. With it being in my life since I was 8 or so, I often get confused and feel that the depression is who I am, not a reaction to the life I lived as a child. So this morning's talk with William again helped me to see me, and really, I like me when I let her out to play and don't let the depression be me.

I am going to ride to lunch with my friend and not worry about what will happen. She is a fun person to hang out with and so am I, so it sounds like a recipe for fun to me!!

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading about me. :) I hope you are well and in good spirits! Remember to take care of you because no one can do it as well as you can!!!!!!!!!!


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

New Workbook

If you have visited my blog before, you might have read that I am dealing with depression and have been for most of my life. Most of that time, I didn't really know that I was depressed. But now I do, and have been working and wishing to learn to manage my depression.

William found a really helpful workbook for me to use to help me with my depression. (The link to it is below.) I really like it! It make sense to me and is not overly complicated. It focuses on three main areas, reactivating one's life, changing unrealistic and unfair thoughts to realistic and fair thoughts, and problem solving. I have had a hard time with other books that are about dealing with depression because the things they said to do didn't make sense to me. This one gives solid actions to take, and actions that I see I really need to do, skills I need in my life.

I have only been doing it for a week and that is only a start. But I thought you might be interested in the workbook. I think it is worth a read for any one. It is very short, only 72 pages long.

Alrighty everyone, I hope y'all are doing well and are taking care of  yourselves.

Thanks for stopping by!!  HUGS!!

Friday, June 6, 2014

Visiting My Parents

I am on a road trip with my spouse right now, and we are visiting both of my parents. My mom lives near San Francisco, and my dad and his wife live in southern Oregon which means that to visit them both in one trip meant a week long road trip for us.

We visited my mom first and spent about 2 days with her. We had a very nice time visiting and sharing our lives with each other.  Yet, it was so odd; I saw so many things she was doing that I am working on changing in me, i.e. making little things into catastrophes, saying that something in the future will for sure turn out bad, that people are out to screw her over, etc. She has been like this for years, yet it really stood out to me this time.

Then we came to visit my dad yesterday. We spent the last 2 days with him and his wife. Once again, I saw things he was saying striking me oddly. He said things that I have said that I think are my beliefs about myself like he noted that he always liked my hair short.

So what struck me so odd about what my parents said or how they acted was how many of those things I have associated with who I am. I have been telling myself that these traits are me and should be accepted as me, but it was creepy to hear my parents say these things, knowing what I have said and done in the past.

This is eye-opening for me. I would like to not be a collection of who my parents are; I want to be my own person. It is important for me to be aware that these ways of thinking and acting are not me but the behaviors and thoughts I learned from my parents. Yes, I have continued doing these things and believing these things, and it is now my responsibility to change them if I truly do not believe those things are true or right for me.

On another note, after hanging out with both of my parents, I realized I actually like both of them. For most of my adult life, I have said I don't really like my parents and that I did not want to spend time them, but this time, I felt differently. When I left each of them, I felt sad and felt like I want to see them again instead of just relieved to be done visiting them. Hhhmm fascinating how life changes. :)

Alrighty then people, hope you are taking care of you!


Monday, June 2, 2014

Leg Update and Other Thoughts

  As you can see, I am up and walking now. WOOHOO!! It has been 9 months since I shattered my tibia, and I am now able to walk without a cane or other assistance. Pretty darn happy about that!! I have worked hard to help my leg get to where I am now, which is basically walking fairly normal, but limping sometime when I am tired and have used my legs a lot.  I still cannot run, or jump, but I plan to be able to both eventually. It has been quite a journey so far going from a wheel chair, to 2 crutches, to one crutch, to a 4 prong bottom cane, to a regular cane, and finally, now walking by myself. It has required so much patience an persistence that I have not  really shown myself to being able to do with many things in the past. But this situation has made me follow through. I wan to walk normally, and in order to do that, I have to not give up. I must work everyday at it and push myself even when it hurts. Such a life lesson- pushing one'e self even when it hurts. Maybe not always physically hurts like my leg but emotionally or psychologically as well. I have so much to learn in life, and I am sure I broke my leg to learn many lessons especially not giving up!!

I hope this post finds you well and in good spirits!!

Bug Hugs!!